To the Handfuls of Starvin' Marvins

Lately, there's been quite a few guys in my circle that are getting pissed off with man whores and stupid women. Many of these guys are fantastic, truly great guys. Marriage material. Most of these guys can't accept that and want girls now. It isn't even for sexual gratification that these men want relationships, they are just sick of feeling left out.

I do not understand what's so great about relationships, so maybe that's why guys come to me with these girl troubles. Maybe it's because I'm one of the guys, but with boobs, so I would be able to see both sides of the story. I'm sure it can't be my comforting abilities, which are nil, or my advice I give, which is crap. My thinking of relationships being kind of stupid doesn't really help when trying to console my guys, because they always get pissy when I tell them that relationships aren't that great and are more trouble than they're worth. I guess it's like complaining about how the cook fixed my steak in front of a starving Ethiopian.

Guys that I'm speaking of, there's nothing wrong with you. There's plenty wrong with the man-whores that the chicks are flocking to. These guys are assholes, listen only to their penii, and only know how to make a girl swoon to get into her pants. You're nothing like that. You're sweet, actually care about the girls you like, and make a girl swoon for the sake of making her happy. You're long-term material. Right now, in college, most girls don't want to worry about long-term. Girls like the hot guys that are doubles for Greek statues that are horny assholes right now. As one of my favorite movies, Wet, Hot, American Summer, states:

Listen, Coop. Last night was really great. You were incredibly romantic and heroic, no doubt about it. And that's great. But I've thought about it, and my thing is this. Andy is really hot. And don't get me wrong, you're cute too, but Andy is like, cut. From marble. He's gorgeous. He has this beautiful face and this incredible body, and I genuinely don't care that he's kinda lame. I don't even care that he cheats on me. And I like you more than I like Andy, Coop ... And maybe it'll be a different story when I'm ready to get married, but right now, I am entirely about sex. I just wanna get laid. I just wanna take him and grab him and f*ck his brains out, ya know? So that's where my priorities are right now. Sex. Specifically with Andy and not with you.

Understand that once life smacks these girls upside the head, they'll be falling all over guys like you. Tell you the truth, I would have a crush on you boys if I weren't so fiercely independent.

I was once in your shoes. There was a long long time in my life that guys paid no attention to me when all I wanted was a boyfriend. Maybe you guys will turn out like me in time. Maybe you'll see that relationships aren't all that great, or maybe they'll be everything you hoped they could be. Just know that, someday, you will have a relationship. That someday will be closer than you think. And don't change anything about yourself. You're kick-ass the way you are, it's the girls that have problems right now.







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