So, I gave in. A couple awesome acquaintances and friends of mine have these wonderful blogs, so I decided my random thoughts would find a safe home here. I guess I will post my theories and offensive comments here as well as facebook. Mostly one or the other. I think my more personal dealies will go here, while the fun things that make people angry will go in both. The more people chasing me with pitchforks, the better. We have a shortage at home. Also, ignore that I already have another blog at a site that starts with "L" and ends with "ivejournal". I never update that thing anymore. I don't know why. Lay off. Look, a double hawk.
This week, Thanksgiving occurs. I hate Thanksgiving food.
Turkey is too dry, no matter how long you let it soak in water/lotion/marinade/urine/alcohol/blood/gallium. The only turkey that is delish is the shaved deli turkey you get from IGA (the local grocer in these parts).
Ham. No. Usually, they have fruit on it. WHOEVER PUTS FRUIT WITH MEAT IS COMMITTING AN ABOMINATION. What a terrible combination! They're completely different types of flavors! No! NO! And ham just sucks.
Mashed potatoes? No. I can only handle one scoop a year, and the chances of it happening before the end of November are high. No one can get the simple cooking methods right. It's either too chunky, too liquidy, too much skin, too many STDs, not enough baby.
Green Bean Casserole. When people get it right, it's amazing. Foodgasm. But, people always seem to get it wrong. The first mistake is organic green beans. Organic anything = disgusting. Yeah, get rid of all the things that made the crap taste good in the first place. I don't care that what the veggies are floating around in in the can causes six different types of caner. It makes them very tender and explode with flavor. Next, people have a hard time of taking out the stems. I don't know how it happens, but just about every bite of green bean casserole that I've had has had those stems that aren't edible and trigger the gagging reflex. Also, no one gets the spices right. No one.
Cranberry Sauce. Ew. Usually, things that keep the shape of their container make me giggle. Don't get me wrong, cranberry sauce provides plenty of humor. It just doesn't make up for how horrible it tastes.
Pumpkin pie is something I have no problem with. Always amazing. Always smothered in Reddi Whip. And you can bet that your sweetest possession will gouge your eyes out that I went up and got myself a slice of pumpkin pie struggling for breath under the weight of Reddi Whip after typing that sentence.
See, the Thanksgiving I dread is the one on my dad's side. Bland food, bland family. I don't fit in there, so it's just a lot of awkward small talk. Their sense of humor is not the same as mine. Newly acquired members tell stories I find sickening and inappropriate (like how one unsaid member had sex in the back seat of a car while his parents were in the front seat). Most of the time, the family doesn't even talk to each other. They sit in the "family room" (because my g'ma is too stubborn to call the room where the television and all the comfortable furniture is located the "living room") and watch sports or terrible TV shows/movies. Football is the typical sport around this time. Sometimes basketball. When it comes to TV shows, it's whatever is popular among the septuagenarians these days. Movies, well, all I have to say is Horse Whisperer. Repeatedly. And if you change the channel when you're the only one in the room, the whole house shakes from g'pa rampaging back into the "family room" to tear you a new one for switching it from a basketball game no one -not even him- cares about. Oh, the food. All bland. You might as well be eating lukewarm cardboard.
Aren't turkeys, in fact, unhappy about Thanksgiving? I also doubt that they would dress as the things they fear the most: the Amish.
Mom's side, however, I wish it was Thanksgiving every day. Yes, we have had ye traditionale thanksgivinge foodse, but bear with me. Here's a list of everything else we've had in the past:
- Chinese
- Mexican
- Pizza
- Italian
- Shrimp
- Crab
- Peanut butter pie
- TV dinners
- Burgers
As an added bonus, I actually get along with that side. I love, and respect, gramz. My little cousin is my clone. We laugh at the same stuff. We hardly watch TV and actually spend time with each other. It's amazing.
Yes.
Now, I'm a wee bit sleepy, and I must wake up at "normal" daylight hours so I can schedule a desperately needed oil change. I'm going to end this like I will end every blog on here, with something random that I just pulled from whatever is keeping my other mind/personality busy while I type this out. This is my blog, I might as well give both sides of me a chance.
This arrow broke the barrier!
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