Stupid Winter

Besides being tired and the dreary weather, today was pretty good. I switched Core 4 professors so that I will take DeLauro, and all I know of him is he's a compy prof, young, and seems to love his religious thought. This should be fun, especially since Erka's in there with me.
Also, I really really want Psychopathica Sexualis. I read a couple case studies from it and watched clips from the independent film that practically used case studies as scripts, and I have a thirst for more. Oddities displayed by people are absolutely fascinating to me. I can't get enough of them.
I had to change my oil change from Friday to Saturday, hoping that the roads will be more drivable then. I hate snow whenever I'm actually trying to get anywhere.






It's a disaster, it's an incredible mess.

Insomnia is another name for my muse.

Yeah, 5:30 am. Can't sleep. So, I turned Seely's little joke into a comic. Here ya go.









Tonight, your ghost will ask my ghost, "Who put these bodies between us?"

Yay! Paraphilias!

I found out today my love for the iliac spine has a name! Partialism!

Mmmm. Yes.

Also,

Dr. Seely- Panophilia is the sexual excitement from anything. One day it could be sheep, the next, overhead projectors. *Pause* That's one sexy overhead projector.

Dr. Seely- What's the worst thing a sadist can say to a masochist? No.

But no one here wants to fight me like you do.

Jesus: Christ...or Anti-Christ?

This is a note I wrote on Facebook mid-November. Enjoy.


There are a number of sites floating around on the internet about how Jesus is actually the anti-christ. You know, they put up a good argument. I was mentioning said sites one day at lunch and dinner when multiple people helped come up with a theory of how Jesus could be both the messiah and the anti-christ.





There were two Jesuses.




Well, Jesi. It looks better.





How could this happen? you ask. (I don't care if you did or not, you asked it.)

Jesus was the name of two people. Identical twins to be more exact. See, Mary actually had two kids. She named them both Jesus because Gabriel only told her what to name one kid. Not knowing which God wanted to be Jesus, she went the safe route and named both if them the same name; a trend which we now see with George Foreman.This created problems early on. They looked and sounded identical, but one was noticeably more...evil. Good Jesus stayed behind at the temple when the family went on their vacation because evil Jesus said he'd cover him. Instead, evil Jesus went gambling and crippling people instead, and they both got in trouble.Events like this carried on until the boys were about seventeen, with the onset of facial hair. We know evil Jesus had the beard because all evil twins have facial hair. You know it's true. Good Jesus shaved (hence "Jesus Saves," but the translation was incorrect. In it's original Hebrew, it said "Jesus Shaves.") Most of the twins' teen years are unknown because they spent most of it bickering and trying to one-up each other. Nobody cares about that.

Good Jesus

Evil Jesus

All of the events and miracles of Jesus can be explained by the twin theory.

Water into wine: Evil Jesus just snuck the wine into the party like any typical high school student. Good Jesus thought he performed a miracle, but really, Evil Jesus was pulling a prank on him.

Temptation in the desert: Jesus wasn't being tempted by Satan. Evil Jesus was just being a jerk to his brother who was trying to go on a spiritual journey.

Feeding the 3209234098098234 people with fish and bread: Good Jesus was a superb cook. Evil Jesus was standing around, yelling at the hungry people who were too stupid to pack a lunch. While Evil Jesus was bickering and keeping their attention, Good Jesus went around town and got a ton of food with the money Evil Jesus had pick-pocketed earlier that day from the same crowd.

Raising Levi from the dead: Good Jesus stood outside while Evil Jesus, all wrapped up like a mummy, came out. Since all that was sticking out of the cloth was a beard, people figured it was Levi.

Walking on water: Evil Jesus just stood, or sat, on Good Jesus, who was also an excellent swimmer.

Making the blind see again: Evil Jesus made these guys blind to begin with. Good Jesus, constantly being bashed by the Pharisees, was trying to get them off of his back by curing them of their blindness. When nothing happened, Evil Jesus threatened them that they should pretend to see, or else. When the Pharisees did the whole "how many fingers am I holding up" trick, Evil Jesus gave cues to the blind so they knew how many fingers were indeed being held up.

Curing lepers: Evil Jesus was just sadistic and skinned some random people. Good Jesus, trying to make people not so mad at his brother, claimed that he had cured them of leprosy. Nobody knew any better, and the "lepers" kept their mouths shut, fearing Evil Jesus' retribution.

Mary Magdalene: Evil Jesus was totally doing her. Good Jesus wasn't. That's why there's so much confusion.

Jesus talking with Elijah and Moses: Good Jesus was really talking to Evil Jesus dressed up like Elijah and Moses. Evil Jesus would be all like, "Oooooh, I'm Elijah. Hold on, Moses wants to talk to you." Then, he'd run behind a rock, change costumes, and come out as Moses.

Arrest and crucifixion: Not long after the whole Elijah Moses deal, Romans come barreling up the road and capture Evil Jesus for being such jerk. Good Jesus, being the nice guy he was, helped Evil Jesus escape Roman custody. Evil Jesus then knocked out Good Jesus, cut off his beard, and put it on Good Jesus with some miracle beard glue. So, Good Jesus ended up being crucified because his brother was a douche.

Resurrection: Good Jesus was dead. Evil Jesus, in an attempt to cover his and -in a rare act of kindness- his brother's behinds, took Good Jesus' body out of the tomb. He then, for a few days, pranced around claiming to be Good Jesus, then went up a hill, claiming he was being taken into heaven, and lived out the rest of his days on his own, sending random plagues upon mankind.


This, my friends, is how Jesus is both the savior and anti-christ.

And if you have any other miracles, they can so be explained with this theory.

After Sigh

Never mind. My dad got my old one's headphones working again. Now, all I have to deal with is the half hour+ start up time after it runs out of batteries. I can live with that for now.

:)




Alright. The freaks are out.

Sigh

Here's the deal: I need a new mp3 player. I want at least 30 gigs, and I'm not going to spend more than $250 for it. Also, dad is being the short jerk that he is and keeps telling me not to go with Creative again. I will buckle and go with iPod if I have to. I really hate their commercialism, though.

Any suggestions?




I'm asking you to trust me.

China Celebrates Thanksgiving Too, Right?

So, Thanksgiving this year was pretty good. No Thanksgiving on my dad's side because the usual hosts were getting tests done on their health and were then more concerned with their newest great-grandchild. Mom's side, I was asleep instead of being social for a lot of it and saw my clone, Payton. We were going to have Chinese for Thanksgiving this year, but the restaraunt that's always been open on Thanksgiving...wasn't. So, my dad and uncle drove around town trying to find a substitute and found Wal-Mart. They got frozen Chinese dinners. They were awesome. Then, we went through old pictures of the family, stretching back to the early 1800's. I also now know where to go to when I'm in Germany (eventually), because I learned one birthplace of a family member. He also fought under Napolean at Waterloo. Fun stuff.



My phone would ring off the hook all night......frequently.

Who I Want to Father My Children

Don't get me wrong. I still don't want kids. But, if for some odd reason, I had no choice but to have children, these are the candidates, in no particular order. You know what, who cares if I had kids as a result. I would just flat out do these guys.



1) Hugh Laurie
How could you not want to do this guy? He has a British accent, he's hilarious, and he's rugged. Sure, he's less than four years younger than my parents. So what? It's the guy that freaking plays House. He's daffodils.










2) Brad Pitt




I'm a chick. This one should have been obvious.

















3) Stephen Colbert



He's hilarious and drool-worthy. He's the news source of millions of college students. He's quick on his feet. He's the future president of the US. Every time I hear "truthiness" roll off of that glorious tongue of his ...... look! A distraction!





4,5,6,7) OK Go



Any of these guys. One at a time, all at once....I'm not picky.









That wraps it up for now. I know there's more, but I don't want to mess with any more pictures. They were a pain in the butt. Maybe in a later edition of "Who I Would Do," you'll be a candidate.

I'm not going to do anything bad in front of my parents or you.

You Are Not Johnny Cash.

Something that I've run across every time I come home is how my sleeping patterns don't agree with the best of programming on television. Naturally, I go to bed at sunrise and wake up at sunset. I'm nocturnal. Sadly, my friend, television, is not. The only thing on at 4 am is infomercials, news, and music videos. I always end up with the latter of the three. I stop watching infomercials when I start contemplating buying a whole set of knives because they include a cheese knife (and yes, the guy said "Just look at how well it cuts through that cheese!). News gets a little old after watching the same story three times. Music videos, though, I have four channels of. Five, if you count country, but country isn't music.

The bad thing about music channels is that they all show the same videos. The MTVs, and -sadly- Fuse run rap. Occasionally, you'll get some non-rap-highly-commercialized video thrown on, but that's rare. VH1 shows the poppy stuff. IMF has an excelent mixture, playing videos from all over the world.

One video on all watchable channels is the new Johnny Cash video. Yes, he's dead, but that never stopped people from making money with a corpse. He apparently did a cover of the song, "God's Gonna Cut You Down." The only reason I know it's a cover is because back in my pop music days, Moby took another version of that song and played with it.

I hate this video. The song's fantastic, don't get me wrong. Cash does some of the best covers out there. But nowhere do they show Johnny Cash. No, instead, they show every "celebrity" that we all ask, "why are they famous?" Kanye West, Lisa Marie Presley, Kid Rock, some people I don't know....why the Hell are they all lip-synching to a song by an artist they only care about because it makes them look they know about music? Seriously, what does Justin Timberlake have to do with Johnny Cash? Anyone?

What is it with celebrities? They don't care about anything except face time. "What? This new video by a dead guy will get me on TV? I'm there!"

Now, if I only saw the video once, I'd let it slide...maybe. But the fact they play it every fifteen minutes....it's starting to get on my nerves.

That's it for now. I'm bored.

Neither of these people built a Cadilac one piece at a time.

My God! I'm a tomato!

I Really Need to Stop Giving in to Peer Pressure

So, I gave in. A couple awesome acquaintances and friends of mine have these wonderful blogs, so I decided my random thoughts would find a safe home here. I guess I will post my theories and offensive comments here as well as facebook. Mostly one or the other. I think my more personal dealies will go here, while the fun things that make people angry will go in both. The more people chasing me with pitchforks, the better. We have a shortage at home. Also, ignore that I already have another blog at a site that starts with "L" and ends with "ivejournal". I never update that thing anymore. I don't know why. Lay off. Look, a double hawk.

This week, Thanksgiving occurs. I hate Thanksgiving food.

Turkey is too dry, no matter how long you let it soak in water/lotion/marinade/urine/alcohol/blood/gallium. The only turkey that is delish is the shaved deli turkey you get from IGA (the local grocer in these parts).

Ham. No. Usually, they have fruit on it. WHOEVER PUTS FRUIT WITH MEAT IS COMMITTING AN ABOMINATION. What a terrible combination! They're completely different types of flavors! No! NO! And ham just sucks.

Mashed potatoes? No. I can only handle one scoop a year, and the chances of it happening before the end of November are high. No one can get the simple cooking methods right. It's either too chunky, too liquidy, too much skin, too many STDs, not enough baby.

Green Bean Casserole. When people get it right, it's amazing. Foodgasm. But, people always seem to get it wrong. The first mistake is organic green beans. Organic anything = disgusting. Yeah, get rid of all the things that made the crap taste good in the first place. I don't care that what the veggies are floating around in in the can causes six different types of caner. It makes them very tender and explode with flavor. Next, people have a hard time of taking out the stems. I don't know how it happens, but just about every bite of green bean casserole that I've had has had those stems that aren't edible and trigger the gagging reflex. Also, no one gets the spices right. No one.

Cranberry Sauce. Ew. Usually, things that keep the shape of their container make me giggle. Don't get me wrong, cranberry sauce provides plenty of humor. It just doesn't make up for how horrible it tastes.

Pumpkin pie is something I have no problem with. Always amazing. Always smothered in Reddi Whip. And you can bet that your sweetest possession will gouge your eyes out that I went up and got myself a slice of pumpkin pie struggling for breath under the weight of Reddi Whip after typing that sentence.

See, the Thanksgiving I dread is the one on my dad's side. Bland food, bland family. I don't fit in there, so it's just a lot of awkward small talk. Their sense of humor is not the same as mine. Newly acquired members tell stories I find sickening and inappropriate (like how one unsaid member had sex in the back seat of a car while his parents were in the front seat). Most of the time, the family doesn't even talk to each other. They sit in the "family room" (because my g'ma is too stubborn to call the room where the television and all the comfortable furniture is located the "living room") and watch sports or terrible TV shows/movies. Football is the typical sport around this time. Sometimes basketball. When it comes to TV shows, it's whatever is popular among the septuagenarians these days. Movies, well, all I have to say is Horse Whisperer. Repeatedly. And if you change the channel when you're the only one in the room, the whole house shakes from g'pa rampaging back into the "family room" to tear you a new one for switching it from a basketball game no one -not even him- cares about. Oh, the food. All bland. You might as well be eating lukewarm cardboard.

Aren't turkeys, in fact, unhappy about Thanksgiving? I also doubt that they would dress as the things they fear the most: the Amish.

Mom's side, however, I wish it was Thanksgiving every day. Yes, we have had ye traditionale thanksgivinge foodse, but bear with me. Here's a list of everything else we've had in the past:

• Chinese
• Mexican
• Pizza
• Italian
• Shrimp
• Crab
• Peanut butter pie
• TV dinners
• Burgers

As an added bonus, I actually get along with that side. I love, and respect, gramz. My little cousin is my clone. We laugh at the same stuff. We hardly watch TV and actually spend time with each other. It's amazing.



Yes.





Now, I'm a wee bit sleepy, and I must wake up at "normal" daylight hours so I can schedule a desperately needed oil change. I'm going to end this like I will end every blog on here, with something random that I just pulled from whatever is keeping my other mind/personality busy while I type this out. This is my blog, I might as well give both sides of me a chance.



This arrow broke the barrier!